im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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