If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I told you penises don't tan
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.