you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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