did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Please, let me fuck your mom
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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