you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
