the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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