I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
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