I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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