My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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