You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
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