I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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