I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
