So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
