Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
