In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
