ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
We had to coat check the pizza.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
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