I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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