i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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