i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Randomize
