im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
