happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
