My friends, they love my intelligence
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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