You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
