I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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