listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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