i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize