When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
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