and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
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