Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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