Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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