im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
