My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Randomize
