So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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