I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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