sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
