I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I believe in your delicious
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
