Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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