I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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