so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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