I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
