Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
