She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
