we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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