Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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