I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
