Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Randomize
