On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I could fuck to npr.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
