i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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