Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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