id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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