i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
