Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Randomize