I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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