Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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