Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Randomize
